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Getting Back Into The
Dating Game
by Trish McDermott
If you are suddenly single after a marriage or a
long-term relationship, you may feel awkward and
confused upon your reentry into the dating world. You're
not alone. Dating requires a particular kind of social
and emotional muscle, and these muscles can atrophy
without use. With a little warming up and some specific
exercises, you will soon be back at your peak dating
performance and reaping your due romantic benefits. Like
any ambitious exercise regimen though, ambivalence,
inconsistency, and low-energy won't get you the results
you desire. Follow the steps below to effectively put
yourself back into the dating game.
Wrap Up Any Lingering Business From Your Past
Relationship
Unfinished business from a prior relationship is a
bigger obstacle to healthy new relationships than many
of us realize. You may have suffered some degree of loss
when your last relationship ended. It's important to let
yourself experience the ensuing grief and all the
feelings associated with it. This takes time. Don't date
for emotional revenge, to prove your eligibility, or to
abate feelings of loneliness. Date when you are
emotionally unencumbered by any prior relationship.
Remember too that maintaining responsibilities and
patterns from a past relationship can send signals of
unavailability. Does he continue to make payments on
your car and then expect to borrow it on weekends? Does
she still keep clothes and exercise equipment at your
house? Do you still call each other, just to check in,
every Sunday morning? Make a decision. It's impossible
to hold on and let go at the same time.
Get Your Life In Good Working Order
A new romantic partner won't fix what is broken in your
day-to-day life. It may temporarily distract you from
any pending disasters, but it isn't a solution.
Eventually, disasters happen. Take a look at your
career, home, family, and relationships with friends:
• Is everything in good working order?
• Are you in a healthy emotional state?
Make sure you feel sane and happy and that your behavior
is honest, open, and free from manipulation. Clean up
the mess in your house before inviting company over.
Everyone will have a better time. There's nothing sexier
or more attractive than a successful, healthy and happy
person. They have a certain self confidence and air of
irresistibility about them. Be one.
Give Yourself A Makeover
Your appearance is important, especially in the early
dating stages. As much as we want to be loved for who we
are on the inside, the outside package can make or break
a budding romance. When you look your best you also feel
your best. New relationships are opportunities for fresh
starts. Now is the perfect time to repackage yourself.
How?
• Color your hair and get a daring, stylish cut.
• Try some new makeup.
• Get a manicure.
• Experiment with a different cologne or perfume.
• Lose those ten pounds and get that definition you've
always wanted.
• After you've shaped up, treat yourself to some new
clothes, preferably something you can wear on a first
date.
Have some fun with the process and enjoy the results.
Determine The Qualities You Desire In A Mate
Make a list of the qualities and characteristics your
next lover must possess. Try to avoid the obvious--tall,
dark, and handsome--and instead look at issues of
compatibility, communications style, behavior traits,
interests, energy, life goals, relationship goals,
personality, and intelligence. Keep your expectations
high (you deserve a quality partner), but also
realistic. Divide your preferences into two categories:
"must have" and "preferred."
Once you've mulled over the list, get out an eraser and
eliminate half the preferred criteria and move a few of
your must haves over to preferred. Finally, list your
attributes in order of priority. Remember, while it's
unlikely that anyone will have all of your required
attributes, many potential dates will show up offering
qualities you haven't considered but may come to truly
appreciate. Allow yourself to be pleasantly surprised.
Remind Yourself That You Have A Lot To Offer
Deep inside we are all beautiful and remarkable people
who deserve the joys and many treasures that life and
love can provide. Unfortunately, many of us have
forgotten who we really are and how uniquely lovable
that person is. Stay away from the comparison game. It's
rigged. You seldom seem to be enough, or have enough and
consequentially, you tend to come out the loser.
Sometimes, after an unhappy relationship ends, we walk
away with a temporarily damaged self-esteem. We forget
how much we have to offer the world and what great
catches we really are. The real you isn't the same as
your ex-lover's bitter perspective of you. Ask your
friends for some input. Remind yourself how special you
are until it becomes second nature. Your relationship
may have failed, but your life hasn't.
Come "Out" As A Single Person
Many loving relationships are the result of amateur
matchmaking by a mutual friend or associate. If you are
recently single after a lengthy marriage or
relationship, you may continue to be perceived as
"off the market." Set the record straight.
Announce to the world that you are single, available,
and looking. Casually mention to your neighbors that you
are dating again. Let your family know that you're ready
to meet someone new. Remove anything that might be
mistaken as an engagement or wedding ring. Take pictures
of the ex off your desk, out of your wallet, and off the
walls at home. Feelings of shame or failure about being
single don't serve you. Get over them. You're in some
very good company and finally in a position to meet
someone terrific.
Make A Plan And Go For It
Develop well-thought strategies for finding a partner
and devote yourself and your time to the effort. Dig
in--dating requires some work, but it can also be a lot
of fun. What can you do?
• Post an alluring Match.Com profile.
• Commit to sending at least one email to a new anon
each day.
• Attend all the real world parties you are invited
to.
• Have a party of your own and ask everyone to bring
one single friend of the appropriate gender.
• Join clubs.
• Go to dances.
• Flirt with people you meet at the grocery store.
• Get rejected.
• Date as many eligible singles as possible.
Become friends with some of your dates. Friends have
friends of their own, one of whom might be your future
life partner. Continue to evaluate your efforts and
fine-tune your strategy. Stay in the game and don't stop
until you're in the relationship you desire.
Don't Wait. Meet other singles at oneandonly.com
!
Mix 'n Match Copyright (c) 1999 Match.Com Inc.
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
Find singles at Match.com.
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